Thoughts and advice (not to be confused for actual therapy) for teens, their parents and anyone else who cares from a professional psychologist who hates couches. Give me a big comfy chair anyday! Therapy should be interesting, interactive and, dare I say, fun! You need to be awake for therapy and couches make you tired (unless you are jumping on it, but who can do that for 50 minutes?).
This Saturday night marks the start of the Jewish holiday “Passover.” The central theme of this holiday is “freedom”, a concept that is difficult to appreciate without a sense of prior enslavement. As many Jews this weekend will be retelling over the story of the miraculous exodus from Egypt, will we truly appreciate the freedom that was afforded to us so many years ago?
The truth is, if we take a moment to think about it, most of us have felt enslaved at one moment or another. If you have ever suffered from addiction you understand feeling trapped by an uncontrollable dependence. If you have ever been depressed or, God forbid, suicidal you know what it is like to feel trapped in darkness. Or less extreme, if you have ever struggled with debt, drowned with anger over a fight, been in between jobs or in a job you did not like. Most of us at some point have felt overwhelmed by the burden of doubt, hopelessness or some emotional pain. We have all wondered if things will ever change or get better. We have all felt enslaved.
So, how to we ensure a personal exodus this Passover? We need to create change in our lives. If you are enslaved from such mental health issues like depression or addiction know that there is help. Find a great therapist, go to an AA meeting, or speak with your parents, teachers, friends or anyone you trust to help find help. However, if your personal enslavement does require mental health intervention, I have a another suggestion.
While I am generally a very happy person, a few years ago a friend and I were discussing ways to increase happiness in our lives. What we realized was that when we spoke we often spent a lot of our time complaining about various issues in our lives. We decided that, while these issues were important, complaining about them took away from our happiness. We agreed to spend a week only discussing positive aspects of our lives and discuss personal issues without complaining. While this appeared to be a simple task, it turned out to be significantly difficult and we failed numerous times before we were able to complete a week. Yet, the results were extremely positive and at the end of the week there was a heightened sense of personal freedom and joy.
Passover is eight days. I suggest everyone who wants to experience a true exodus is to spend a few moments prior to the holiday thinking of all the things in your life that overwhelm you. Then for the next eight days try your hardest not to complain about any of them, while only discussing positive aspects of your life. I would also suggest not to get sucked into a negative conversations with someone else. Try it. It certainly won’t hurt and it may give your a sense of freedom for today and forever.
I was once called by a young person looking for help because she was being abused by a parent. I explained my mandate to report such abuse and ways this child could get help. The child seemed relieved. I then received a call from the principle of this child asking me not to report the abuse stating irrelevant reasons related to “handling this within the community”. After getting permission from my client to speak with the principle, I asked him how long he had knowledge of the abuse. He said for about a year and that he was working with the family. I then strongly educated him on his mandate to report and told him how his action was irresponsible and illegal. I also let him know how he should feel responsible for any abuse that took place after becoming aware of it and not reporting it. I then ended the conversation and reported the abuse to the department of children and family services (DCFS).
Child abuse is something, like most of us, I find truly abhorrent. However, unlike most, I have worked with the emotionally, physically, and sexually abused. Fortunately, I have also had the opportunity of helping such children. There are so many children are out there at this moment without a voice, without an advocate, and without a chance of repairing the damage done by others. I have worked with these children to regain a sense of control, sense of self and, above all, a sense of innocence brutally robbed from them. Often the thief was a relative or someone close to them. An individual who the child innocently put their trust in. An individual who deceived the child into thinking they deserved the pain or that the immoral, repugnant and illegal behavior was normal.
You can stop child abuse! Of course, the problem is that many people either think there is nothing they can do or that someone else will take care of it. I am sad to state that I have met too many teachers, community leaders, neighbors, friends and parents who allowed child abuse to continue. They thought someone else would deal with it or they just could not “believe” that so and so would hurt a child. We need to educate ourselves on the signs of abuse. We need to become better advocates for children, especially if we work with them.
I implore anyone who suspects that a child is being abused to do something about it. Check out this site and learn the signs and what you can do. If you live in California check out the DCFS website or call their abuse hot-line at 1 (800) 540-4000. If you live outside California you can call them at (213) 639-4500 and they can guide you to your local state agency.
As for the child whose abuse I reported, DCSF got involved with the family and, I am happy to say, the abuse has stopped and the young person and family are all doing well.
Joking is great! Telling jokes, listening to jokes and even sometimes being the butt of a joke. Yet, when does a joke go too far? Is it when it’s crude? Personally, I am not a big fan of comedy that is riddled with foul language, but many people find that funny. Is it when it is demeaning to women? I certainly do not like that comedy, but there is plenty of sexist comedy. How about racist humor? Again, offensive to me, but many comedians do well with it. In fact, if you go to most comedy clubs these days, the acts are filled with plenty of the aforementioned content. There are very few comedians who keep it clean or stay away from offensive content. I can think of Jerry Seinfeld, Bill Cosby and maybe a few more if I really try hard. So, maybe offensive and crude humor is not going too far since there is obviously large audience for it?
I feel strongly that humor is important in our lives. I also think edgy humor has a role at times as it lets us vent through laughter. Comedy allows us to express some of the thoughts we keep hidden and are uncomfortable sharing with others. Often, that is what comedians do. They say the things we would never say out loud. However, at which point should we be careful what we joke about, or is everything free reign under the guise of comedy? Just because it is funny should we be laughing at crude, racist or sexist comedy acts? I say no.
I have attached a clip from a ventriloquist comedian, who I find hysterical. At the same time, I find his material offensive. I know it sounds hypocritical, but it is a perfect example of what comedy does. It makes you laugh at content that you would never laugh at if it was said outside the context of “comedy”. Watch the clip and ask yourself, does he not get away with what he says because he uses puppets to say the offensive things? Would he be so successful if he just did it as a stand-up routine? Would the world be a better place if jokes about a suicide bomber didn’t make us laugh, but rather cry? While I love jokes and find edgy and dark comedy very funny, let us make sure we don’t use jokes as a safe way to express hate.
I love to joke around and I try to keep in mind the fine line between what is funny and what is hurtful. Most of the time I stay on the safe side of the joking fence, but I have occasionally tripped over to dark side of jokes that have hurt others. Personally, I usually do not get offended when people make jokes at my expense. I think the world would be a better place if we could all laugh at a few more things. However, racism, sexism, anti-Semitism, prejudice and all forms of ignorance and hate is just that, whether it is funny or not. It does make you a bad person if you laugh at the jokes. However, if more people stopped a friend before they said a hateful joke, not attend a racist comics act or just work on not saying hateful jokes themselves, maybe then we could all laugh together at jokes that unite us and not divide us.
Tomorrow night is the Jewish holiday of Purim. Purim commemorates the deliverance of the Jewish people from a plot of annihilation at the hands of a powerful anti-semite, Haman. Spiritually, Purim reminds the Jewish people that, although at times God seems hidden, God is always watching over and protecting the Jewish people. However, Purim has also become a holiday marred with underage drinking and alcohol related injuries and deaths. This is an issue that is repairable if the Jewish community would just take a collective stand and prevent teens from having easy access to alcohol on Purim. It is time we stop expecting only the Shul to not serve alcohol to teens, the parents to better educate or lock up the booze, the Rabbi not to give out shots or the friends to be better influences. It is time we expect that we, as a Jewish community, work together or the ramifications will be deadly.
Teens who begin drinking before age 15 are five times more likely to develop alcohol dependence than those who begin drinking at age 21.
An early age of drinking onset is also associated with alcohol-related violence not only among persons under age 21 but among adults as well.
It has been estimated that over three million teenagers are out-and-out alcoholics. Several million more have a serious drinking problem that they cannot manage on their own.
Annually, more than 5,000 deaths of people under age 21 are linked to underage drinking.
The three leading causes of death for 15- to 24-year-olds are automobile crashes, homicides and suicides — alcohol is a leading factor in all three.
One may read these statistics and say it does not apply to teens who drink for religious reasons, or they are only drinking for Purim and no other time. You might say, “not me” or “not my child.” Maybe, but is it a risk you’re willing to take as a parent or as a teen? Are a few drinks on Purim, Simchat Torah, Shabbos, other holidays or Jewish celebrations worth the risk of a future drinking problem or alcohol related injury? Your call. However, things will only change if we shift our perception that this is not an issue and deal with it from every level in the community.
I struggle to write this post as my clarity lies in a fog of painful emotions of the murders that took place last night at Yeshiva (Jewish Seminary) Mercaz Harav. While there may be many spiritual avenues to discuss, words of strength I could convey or just plain hope to give over, I can’t seem to shake a conversation that took place with a colleague of mine about three years ago.
In my office, another psychologist and I were discussing the state of affairs in Israel. My colleague is not Jewish with no personal ties to Israel, a self-described liberal democrat, a great therapist, good friend and a very kind person. After a back and forth about the merits of a “Jewish state”, the “land-for-peace” process and terrorism in the region, I asked my friend a question that ended our discussion. I asked if she felt there was a difference between a strategic strike by the Israeli Defense Force (IDF) against a known terrorist, with all efforts made to minimize collateral damage and a Palestinian darning a vest of explosive, stepping on an Eked bus, detonating him or herself and knowingly killing innocent people. She responded with a shockingly, but very adamant “No.” The conversation was over.
As years have passed, I have asked that question to others and have gotten more shocking “no’s”. While the difference is clear to me, I know that it is not clear to many in our world. I do not support killing or terror in any way. I wish war never occurred, but I recognize that at times it is the only avenue of resolution to remove evil from this world. I suspect most people would not argue going to war against Hitler and stopping the third reich was the wrong thing to do. However, presently, we don’t seem to recognize evil as clearly. I am sad when I hear of an innocent Palestinian child who is killed during a military raid or strike, and I am am just as sad when innocent Jewish children are killed by a terrorist bombing or shooting. However, and this must be made clear, one is intentional and one is not. One is murder and one is an accident. One is reprehensible and one is tragic. One is evil and one is, sadly, unavoidable.
I hope that one day there is peace in the middle east and in the world at large, but I do not see it in our near future. When Hamas calls the murderer of the the eight Mircaz Harav students a “Hero” we will not have peace. When Palestinians dance in the streets over the news of their deaths we will not have peace. When the world realizes that when an innocent dies, the Jews respond with prayer, charity and kindness and the terrorists respond with bloodshed, maybe we will have peace. When the world can distinguish between evil and survival, maybe then.
As we have just entered into the month of Purim, I pray that we find the hidden face of G-d in our pain and that we remember that the holiday is a commemoration of escaping terror of which we hope to do once more. May the Neshamas (souls) of Yohai Lifshitz, Neria Cohen, Segev Peniel Avihail, Avraham David Moses, Yonatan Yitzhak Eldar, Yonadav Haim Hirschfeld, Roee Roth, and Doron Meherete have an Aliyah (be raised up to the highest levels of heaven), may all those injured have a Refuah Shelama (full recovery), and may we see peace and Moshiach in our lifetime.
Below is a video that I edited together about Anti-Semitism in our past and present. We can never forget or we will be forgotten.
Just two days ago the Washington Posts’ Fred Bowen wrote that for the New York Giants to win the Super Bowl they would have to “get lucky”, “get Brady”, and “get a great a game from quarterback Eli Manning”. Mission accomplished! However, Mr. Bowen predicted “the Pats will win by a score of 31-20.” Of course, he was far from alone in his prediction. Super Bowl XXXVI could possibly be the greatest underdog sports story of all time. What a game!
While many enjoyed the excitement of the game, others the creativity of the commercials, I enjoyed being reminded that you can never give up, you can overcome great odds and, above all, “life’s this game of inches” (Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday).
I recently wrote an article for the West Coast NCSY newsletter that I wanted to share with you.
AVRUMIE WEISS CHANGES LIVES AT REGIONAL
Avrumie Weiss, also widely known as Devora Lunger’s brother, honored West Coast NCSY as our key-note winter regional speaker. As the regional theme was “image”, he was asked to speak not because of any TV shows he acted in, sport team he played for, magazine he modeled for or any other reason you might expect someone to lecture on “image”. He was asked to speak because he is genuine, funny, inspirational and above all represents the true meaning of being created in G-d’s image.
A few years ago in Israel, where Avrumie, his wife, and six children live, he was in a very serious car accident. However, it should be noted that Avrumie does not call it an “accident” but rather an “incident.” He does not believe that what occurred to him was anything but a Divine plan. During the incident, Avrumie was severely injured. He suffered severe skull and facial injuries as well as a double amputation of his legs. As a further repercussion of the incident, he has been unable to continue his catering business creating great financial difficulty for him and his family. However, with all this occurring in his life, Avrumie told over three hundred and fifty West Coast NCSYers that he wouldn’t have it any other way. Surprised? Well then you don’t know Avrumie Weiss.
Our Friday night program was a lecture from Avrumie who spoke about his incident, his long and difficult recovery and, most importantly, his new found sense of purpose and meaning in life. He believes that the incident and the loss of his legs is exactly what G-d meant for him and he accepts it with a full heart. He spoke about how he may look different than most people, but that his sense of “image” is not based on that fact at all, rather it is based on how he lives his life as a member of the Jewish people. When asked if he ever got angry with G-d, he confidently and without hesitation said, “not for a moment.” He also talked about all the Jews who prayed for him, Jews that got closer to G-d peripherally through his incident and the many people who had been inspired by his story. All of these things he described as more than enough reason to have gone through the incident and struggle.
He was truly an inspiration to us all. In fact, one public school student had spoken to Avrumie with a small group of other NCSYers after the lecture and decided that he would make a stronger commitment to his Judaism. The NCSYer committed to putting on tefillin daily and has done so every morning since regional. We thank Avrumie for his inspirational lecture, his commitment to the Jewish people and we hope to see more of him in the future. If you would like to hear more about Avrumie or contact him, go to www.AvrumieWeiss.com
As some of you know, I have had the great fortune of being the proud father of newly born twin boys. They were born an hour and a half before the new year. It was an amazing evening that I will be writing about shortly. However, I wanted to quickly touch upon the rapid speed upon which life seems to pass by lately.
As you may have noticed it has been a while since I last posted. I have been extremely busy with my work at West Coast NCSY and the largest event we run twice a year called regional. Then I had the twins. It has been exciting, exhausting and above all a blessing. Yet, as I look back at the date of my last post, I am amazed at how fast two months have gone by. It seems like it was just yesterday that my wife told me about the possibly homicidal stroller lady at coffee bean.
The truth is I do not have any great insight into this phenomena. I can only glean from my own experience and pass on a few words on the subject recently told to me. As a child/adolescent, time seemed to pass too slowly. As I got older, life quickly began building speed. Today, it flies by like a Japanese super train. So, I suppose, the only advice I can give is don’t be so fast to push life forward. It will do it all by itself.
As for the few words, when you have twins you enter into a fraternity of brotherhood with all other fathers of twins. There is no secret handshake or hazing ritual. There is only the exhausted swagger and bags under the eyes that are worn as a crest signaling you have been inducted. One such brother approached me recently and I asked him for the wisdom of his experience. He said only this. “Enjoy every moment, because it will go by fast.” He did not give me diapering tips, sleeping pills, or tell me which pacifier really works. It was far greater. He gave over a fundamental lesson of parenting if not life in general. Enjoy every moment. Spend time with life, whatever life you may have. We are all too often looking towards the future that we quickly forget the present, which is what forms our future.
On that note, I am going to hang out with my twins.
In the movie Pay It ForwardHaley Joel Osment (you know, the kid who also saw dead people) introduced a plan for world change based on people doing random acts of kindness for others. After the movie released, I remember many heated (ok, semi-heated) debates over whether such a plan would be successful. Are people inherently kind and want to help others? Are people inherently selfish and would rather let someone starve than sacrifice a few dollars? These were the questions. Personally, I feel that the world is a better place when we help each other and feel saddened by much of the apathy felt for human suffering. That is why, I wanted to share something that occurred to my wife today.
My wife went to a local coffee house for a morning Latte. While in line, she struck up a conversation with another local java lover whom she had never met. With my wife being six months pregnant with twins, the conversation quickly shifted from splenda vs. equal to her impending birth. As it turned out the stranger had twins at home. As the line progressed towards the barista, she happily gave over tips and antidotes to assure my wife that having twins is a wonderful experience. During the discussion my wife mentioned a desire to purchase a “Baby Trend Double Snap N Go”, which I am told is a stroller that you put car seats in. The lady then mentioned that she had one that she never uses and offered it to my wife. My wife was slightly taken aback by this kind gesture, but happily accepted with an offer to pay for it. The lady refused.
My wife called me after this exchange, told me the story and said she was going to call the lady to pick it up. The cynical side of me came out and I asked if there was anything wrong with this lady? Was she trying to lure my wife to her house and murder her? I wanted my wife to give her a personality test to ensure that she was not the “Snap N Go” killer. However, my wife assured me she was just a kind-hearted person who wanted to help out and hung up with me to give her a call.
When she called the ladies phone it just rang and rang leaving my wife to think she may have gotten a bum number. I mean really, who just gives a random stranger a brand new stroller? She called a few more times with the same result. Beginning to lose hope she called one more time. This time she got a machine and the outgoing message went like this:
“Hi you have reached (family name). We are not here right now to take your call, but if you leave a message after the tone we will get back to you as soon as possible. If this is (my wife’s name) call me on my cell, I had to step out and want to make sure you can pick up the stroller.”
When she did call the cell the lady was apologetic that she was not home and said she left the stroller on the side of the house for her to pick up.
When my wife told me this story, I was floored. A pure random act of kindness from a perfect stranger. The incident filled me with hope and, while it might seem small to some, I am compelled to “pay it forward” to another. Who knows, maybe I will meet you on the street and offer you a brand new home gym (I knew when I bought it I would never use it. What was I thinking?).
As we near the period of the year where christmas trees begin to sprout, egg nog flavored starbucks begins to brew and Jews get ready for the best day to attend movies, ski or go to Six Flags, I wanted to share a “holiday” themed e-mail I received. It was a forward of Stuff Ben Wrote, which was a transcript of Bens Steins CBS Sunday Morning Commentary. Ben Stein? All of us Ferris Bueller fans know the name. For all you teens who do not know the monotone teacher in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, he was also the spokesperson for Clear Eyes, host of Win Ben Steins Money, currently hosting America’s Most Smartest Model as well as a highly intelligent individual. He is laywer and was a speech writer for President Ford and Nixon. Picture him yet? If not, check out the video below to see him in an old Chips Ahoy commercial.
Anyway, religion is a an important aspect in the lives of most Americans. 81% of Americans identify with one religion of another (American Religion Identification Survey, 2001). As a proud practicing American Jew, I am appreciative of the religious freedom our government allows and protects. I appreciate the freedom afforded for my own religious practices and that of others. However, when we selfishly appreciate only the freedom given to our own religious practice, I fear we risk taking that freedom for granted and, possibly, losing that freedom all together. Mr. Stein reminds us of that. Enjoy!
(This is about two years old so please forgive the less than current reference to Nick and Jessica’s break up. I hope it does not bring up bad memories for anyone.)
Ben Stein writes:
“Herewith at this happy time of year, a few confessions from my beating heart:
I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my life if I know who they are and why they have broken up? Why are they so important? I don’t know who Lindsay Lohan is, either, and I do not care at all about Tom Cruise’s wife.
Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if I am a subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are. Is this what it means to be no longer young. It’s not so bad.
Next confession: I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don’t feel threatened. I don’t feel discriminated against. That’s what they are: Christmas trees. It doesn’t bother me a bit when people say, “Merry Christmas” to me. I don’t think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn’t bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, it’s just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.
I don’t like getting pushed around for being a Jew and I don’t think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can’t find it in the Constitution and I don’t like it being shoved down my throat.
Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren’t allowed to worship God as we understand Him?
I guess that’s a sign that I’m getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.”
